DEAR ABBY: In the past, I always disliked my appearance. I have been obese most of my 70 years but am now within 20 pounds of my ideal weight. My problem is, I have met someone I like very much and could see spending the rest of my life with. However, she is obese, and it bothers me greatly. How can I effectively communicate my desire that she lose 30 to 50 pounds without being offensive? — FINALLY SLIM IN FLORIDA

DEAR FINALLY SLIM: Approaching someone and saying you want them to lose 30 to 50 pounds would be like touching the third rail. You can, however, as you get to know this person better, model your healthy lifestyle and encourage her by setting an example. If she picks up on it, she may be the lady for you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I (we’re both male) have been together since 2007. We moved to Arizona in 2010. Most of our family lives in the Midwest. We have been visiting our families as often as possible, at least every other year. Our sonin- law refuses to let us stay the night in his home when we visit. His excuse is, he doesn’t want to have to explain to his two daughters why we sleep in the same bed. (The daughters are 6 and 8.)

My husband and I no longer feel comfortable around our son-in-law, and we told our daughter we feel it would be best to skip this year’s visit. She offered to put us up in a hotel. We declined the offer and said we have other friends we can visit. Our daughter then offered to come and visit us with our granddaughters. We also declined that offer.

Are we doing the right thing? We feel the son-inlaw is using his daughters as an excuse for his own homophobic feelings toward us. — UNWELCOME IN THE WEST

DEAR UNWELCOME: I see nothing positive to be gained by punishing your daughter and your 6- and 8-year-old grandchildren, who have offered viable alternatives, because their father is uncomfortable with your sexual orientation. Let your daughter visit and bring the children. Foster a strong relationship with all of them. If you succeed, your narrow-minded son-in-law may find himself increasingly marginalized.

DEAR ABBY: About six months ago, I began arranging a group dinner for the wives of my husband’s poker buddies. It started out great. However, a new wife to the group has instigated praying in the restaurant, along with holding hands as we pray.

This is not my style nor is it for a few others. We feel held hostage to her request and aren’t sure how to put a stop to this display. I’m very private about the spiritual side of my life. Another member of the group is agnostic. Please advise me on a tactful way to address this dear woman. — UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE WEST

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: I’m glad to help. Address this privately. Explain to the woman that not everyone in the group is comfortable displaying their religiosity in public, and some may prefer to do their worshiping privately. If necessary, remind her that silent prayer is just as effective as praying aloud.

DEAR ABBY: I lost my beloved puppy, “Truffle,” nine months ago. She was almost 15. I had to euthanize her because she was ill and suffering. I cannot begin to describe the depth of grief I’m experiencing. Her loss has been harder for me than any human loss. We had a connection that words cannot express. Truffle captured my soul. I work from home, and we spent every day together. I’m thankful that I had a lot more time with her because of this.

My husband doesn’t understand my grief and can’t wrap his mind around my affection for an animal. He has tried to be understanding, but now he says he can no longer be supportive because it’s senseless for me to grieve this way. He said that life should be about him now, and my grieving is taking away from the attention he should have.

I have learned to silence my pain in his presence, and this just feels wrong and unfair. To be completely transparent, I am far more broken than what he has ever known. I’m getting grief counseling he is not aware of, I keep journals and I am compiling a memory book for my precious Truffle puppy.

I feel like I can’t win, because if he knows I am not being honest about how I feel, he’ll be upset (rightfully so). But he will also be upset if he knows the depth of grief I am dealing with. Any advice on how to handle this? — SUFFERING IN SILENCE

DEAR SUFFERING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved furry family member. Truffle was your companion and confidant for a long time. That you miss her companionship is understandable.

What you said about your husband is revealing. Is it possible you doted so much on Truffle that he felt jealous, and now that she’s gone, he is relieved that he will finally have his wife fully back? If that’s the case, you may have work to do.

That you are receiving grief counseling is wonderful. I think the memory book is a great idea, if it helps you through the process and doesn’t hold you back. At this point, I don’t think you need to hide anything from your husband. You both could benefit from talking about all of this with a licensed marriage and family therapist.

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