Grieving man’s new ‘friends’ concern wife of four decades

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 42 years. Three months ago, I started seeing changes in my husband’s behavior. He had lost two good friends within two months, so I attributed it to that.

Then one day, he asked me to look up something on his phone and that’s when I saw text messages between him and a girl named “Ginger” who works for him, inviting her to come to the shop every night to have a beer. Of course, she never said no. She also would text him looking for him if he couldn’t make it, telling him she would miss him.

My husband is 60; Ginger is 30. He also tells me he also has a woman friend (also 30) who works at a local business. He has confided personal family business to her I know she has shared with other people.

I’m at a loss. I’m retired but I’m always ready to go and do anything with him. I have supper ready when he gets home after spending an extra hour with Ginger every night. What can I do to bring my husband home to me? I take care of myself, always look my best and listen when he talks. — WHAT TO DO IN THE EAST

DEAR WHAT TO DO: This may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with your husband’s fear of his own mortality. In light of the fact he has just lost two close friends in the last three months, he may find the company of these young women to be a distraction. That said, what he’s doing is disrespectful to you and possibly a threat to your marriage.

Have you discussed how this has made you feel? If you haven’t, you should. You appear to be trying your best to do your part, but you can’t fix this alone. It may be time for you to start concentrating less on what pleases him and more on what is good for you. And while you’re at it, begin monitoring his/your financial records to see if there have been any “out of the ordinary” expenditures. If there have been, it may be time to consult a lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 30 years but have never really been happy with each other. For years, I have had painful skin infections on my face, which have required trips to multiple dermatologists. They have done biopsies, and they still can’t pinpoint the cause of my skin problems.

Recently, because one of my infections was spreading to my sinus cavity and my eye, I moved out of the master bedroom into one of the kids’ old rooms. My skin is clearing up now, and I’m pain-free.

I always suspected that my husband might have had something to do with this, plus I found a book he had about wild mushrooms. In it, he had underlined a part that said mushrooms are parasitic. What do you think, Abby? — SUSPICIOUS IN FLORIDA

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I think you should discuss this with the doctors who have been trying to diagnose the cause of your repeated infections. If you are correct in your suspicions, you should talk to the police because your husband may be guilty of assault with intent to harm you. This may be your chance to end your long, unhappy marriage. Do not return to the master bedroom until this matter has been resolved to your satisfaction.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 12. We have no children together, but I have four from a previous marriage. Two are grown and have moved out; two are still home and in high school.

When we got together, my husband stepped right up and became a wonderful stepdad. He has always been a provider, a listener, an advice giver, friend, etc. He is the epitome of a great dad and husband. My family loves him, and I love him with my whole heart.

There is just one small problem that has recurred throughout our marriage. Abby, he told me several years ago he had stopped smoking marijuana, yet, many times over the years, I have caught him sneaking around to do it. If I ask him about it, he lies to my face and insists that no, he doesn’t. I don’t ask unless I have seen it or have found some somewhere.

We live in a state where recreational use is legal, so it’s not the smoking that really bothers me – it’s the lying. I don’t partake, so I guess I don’t understand, but how can I get him to see I need him to be honest with me? I can’t accept being lied to, especially over something so stupid. — MIFFED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MIFFED: Your husband may lie because he knows how you feel about his smoking, and he wants to avoid conflict. Since you have caught him in the act, his unwillingness to fess up shows a lack of character and, I’m sorry to say, a tendency to gaslight you, and I don’t blame you for being upset.

There are few ways more effective in eroding trust than to do what you say he has been doing. That is why it is important the two of you have an HONEST discussion about his pot smoking – either at home or in the office of a licensed family therapist.