DEAR ABBY: I am a caregiver for my elderly diabetic mother and my disabled husband, who is an alcoholic and also epileptic. Every single household responsibility falls on me — cleaning, upkeep, shopping, driving, food preparation, etc. My mother refuses to eat right for her medical condition. It’s a daily struggle. I keep everything on hand to make it easy for her, but I still have to beg and plead.
I am not well. I have several autoimmune diseases that zap my strength. I love my mom and my husband, but this has taken every bit of joy from my life. My mother doesn’t have dementia — she’s very aware of what she is doing.
As for my husband, his love for me will never come close to his love of alcohol. He is never abusive, but I have never felt so overwhelmed and alone at the same time. There are no siblings to help, and my children live out of state. Do you have any suggestions on how to keep what is left of my sanity? — OVERWORKED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR OVERWORKED: Yes, I do, but you may not like what I have to say. It’s time to quit trying to “save” your mother and your husband from the fates they have chosen. Your mother is an adult and in possession of her faculties. Let her assume responsibility for herself and her treatment. (Or not — also her choice.)
As to your husband’s alcoholism, join Al-Anon and start attending meetings. Only he can fix his drinking problem if he wants to. Ruining your health trying to help people who don’t want to be helped may be well-intentioned, but it is also misguided.
DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged gay man who has never had any serious relationships. A few months ago, I met a 22-year-old guy. He seemed really sweet and nice, and we had good times when we were together, so I let him use me for money. He played on the feelings I thought I had for him, and I think I still do.
The other night, I caught him lying to me again and went off the deep end. He ended up blocking my number, so I know he’s not getting my text messages. I have called him at least 100 times and it goes straight to voicemail. Must I just chalk it up as “lesson learned” and try to go on?
I doubt I will ever forget him. I know I need to go on with my life. He’s in my head right now and it’s difficult. If it were to happen, I can’t go back to him the way we were. Although this may sound stupid and immature, I think I fell in love with him. I’m not sure. He hurt me badly because I let him use me. Thank you for any advice you can offer. — TRICKED IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TRICKED: I’m sorry you’re hurting but, yes, you should chalk this up as a lesson learned. You stated you’ve never had a serious relationship. If you would like to pursue one, meeting someone closer to your age with whom you have more in common would be beneficial. Check in at your nearest LGBTQ community center and sign up for an activity or event and you may meet someone. I wish you luck.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 67-year-old father to a wonderful daughter. She has decided to stay with her boyfriend, who recently got out of jail for stealing $200,000 from his grandparents. Because of this, I do not want to leave her a large sum of money when I pass. (As of now, she would inherit it.)
My problem is, how do I tell her I am removing her from my will? If I tell her, I’m scared she will hate me and end our relationship. But if I don’t tell her now, she’ll be so disappointed when that time does come.
Her boyfriend has already stolen $200 from her checking account since his release from jail. He has a gambling problem but continues to deny it. I cannot take the chance that he wouldn’t steal from her on a much bigger scale. She stands to inherit more than $400,000.
How do I tell her? I know I can set up a trust for her, but telling her my decision is the difficult problem. — PLANNING AHEAD IN FLORIDA
DEAR PLANNING: You didn’t say that you are in ill health. You could live another 15 or 20 years and, if you do, your daughter could have wised up and chosen a more suitable partner by then. I do think your idea of creating a trust for her is a good one. However, I see no reason why you should discuss that plan with her now. If you feel the need to explain, do it in a letter to be given to her at the time of your demise.
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