DEAR ABBY: I have a neurological disorder and can no longer keep up with my friends (who used to be my friends). I don’t explain the prob‑lems I have and why I can’t do the things I used to do unless they ask. I still drive, but I have trouble walking. I have a wonderful husband who helps me all the time. I’m lucky I can do what I do, but I am very limited.
I don’t know how to explain it to people who look at me like I’m making it up. Abby, I have polyneu‑ropathy and have had seven back surgeries. I have arthritis in all my joints. I live in constant pain, but it doesn’t “look” like I do. How do I explain my dis‑ability? I’m tired of being at home and not getting phone calls anymore. How do I tell them there are still things I can do? — DOWN BUT NOT OUT IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR DOWN: By not discussing your prob‑lem, you have contributed to the isolation you are feeling. Not every disability is obvious. Your friends may think you are avoiding them because you don’t want to be with them.
You don’t have to make any “grand announce‑ments,” but you should have a frank talk with your closest friends about what your challenges are. Real friends will make an effort to accommo‑date you if you let them know you need them in your life. Once you start talking, the word will get around. Trust me on that.
DEARABBY: My niece married her second hus‑band two months ago. In lieu of gifts, they asked for money to be used toward a future house. In‑stead of adding to the “money tree,” I handed her my envelope with cash and a card, so she could put it away before the ceremony. I have not received any acknowledgement for the gift.
Our family was together recently to celebrate a birthday, and she still didn’t mention the gift. I could overlook the lack of a thank-you note with a verbal acknowledgement, a text or any sort of communication that she appreciated the gift. Should I mention this to her dad (my brother) or another aunt with whom she is close? She has also invited all the members of this side of the family to her home (in another city) but has yet to invite my husband and me. I am really disappointed in her actions, or lack thereof. Am I being too sensitive? — DISCONTENTED AUNT IN TEXAS
DEAR AUNT: You are not being too sensitive. Your niece’s lack of manners is hurtful and disap‑pointing. If she couldn’t make the time to write you a note, she should have remembered to thank you for your gift when she saw you at the birthday celebration.
The fact that you and your husband have been excluded from her family gathering makes me wonder what else may be going on with her. Rather than “tattle” to her father, I don’t think you would be out of line to discuss it discreetly with the aunt you feel she’s close to and ask for some insight.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is very temperamen‑tal. When something goes wrong with his meal or service at a restaurant, or when he’s driving and gets upset with another driver, he angrily vents to me nonstop, repeating the same things over and over. This happens only when we’re alone, not when friends or family members are present. When I ask him to please stop because it’s upset‑ting or stressful (or giving me indigestion if we are having a meal), he blames me and says I “have to” let him vent and say nothing, not even ask him to please stop so I can enjoy my food.
We argue often about this. I have tried talking to him about it when he wasn’t upset. His response is always the same: I need to deal with it. If I try to reason with him, he justifies and excuses his be‑havior and puts the blame back on me. I want to run away from this marriage because of it. By the way, he’s almost 70 years old and has been doing this his entire life. — READY TO FLEE IN TEN‑NESSEE
DEARREADY: How many decades have the two of you been married? If it’s less than one, rather than tolerate more of your husband’s verbal abuse, consult a lawyer. If, however, this has been hap‑pening for the entire duration of your marriage, I can’t help but wonder why it has taken you so long to write. Your husband obviously can control his behavior if he wishes.
If there’s a financial reason for remaining mar‑ried (you didn’t once mention in your letter that you love this bully), this is the price you are paying for years of “security.” You do not have to tolerate being berated. Because you are nearing the end of your rope, offer him a choice: Therapy for his verbal aggression, or separation so you no longer have to bear the brunt of it.
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