DEAR ABBY: A former boyfriend, “Ray,” is an alcoholic. He has been through rehab twice, but it didn’t do any good. He won’t stop. He keeps saying we’ll work it out.
I don’t understand why Ray can’t get it through his head that I no longer want to be with him. I gave him two chances. Nobody else wants to help him either, including his family.
Ray can be controlling. He still contacts me and tells me what I need to do, just like when we were together. I don’t need that kind of person in my life. I hope and pray God will send me the right person one day. Any advice you can offer? — BREAKING AWAY IN ALABAMA
DEAR BREAKING AWAY: Block Ray’s number, and do not respond to any more messages from him. If he has a key to your place, change the locks. The next time Ray contacts you (hopefully sober), tell him there is nothing more to work out. You no longer want any contact with him, and if his stalking doesn’t stop, you will report him to the authorities and get a restraining order. (Then, if it becomes necessary, do it.)
DEAR ABBY: My sister “Fiora” lives with her daughter and family several states away from me and her other siblings. She is insisting we plan a party for her 80th birthday. Fiora wants it to be a destination party in an expensive resort area nowhere near where any of us live.
None of us is wealthy, but some of us have been good money managers and are comfortable in retirement. Fiora, on the other hand, has spent every last dime and has health issues, so she must live with her daughter. We have told her we feel if she wants this extravagant party, she should talk to her children, not to us. Is this unreasonable of us or of her? — PARTIED OUT IN MISSOURI
DEAR PARTIED OUT: Putting the rules of etiquette aside, Sister Fiora should not be demanding that her siblings foot the bill for a birthday extravaganza she can’t afford. Tell her (as one) that you will be happy to split the bill for a more modest celebration or send her a check. The choice is hers, and the amount is something all the sibs can decide upon. Her adult children might also want to chip in as well.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for decades. My husband, who has always been very overweight, has made many promises to remedy it with no follow-through. He continues to overeat and avoid physical activity, while constantly complaining about aches, pains and fatigue. Frequently, when we go out, he wolfs down his food, and I am left to fend off waiters who want to clear our plates because he’s finished.
When we were at dinner with friends, my husband was first to the buffet, ate twice as much food as everyone else and finished long before anyone else was done. A few friends commented on it. He has high blood pressure and cholesterol that can no longer be managed with medication. Our sex life is terrible due to his weight and inability to perform. Medication no longer helps with this either.
His cardiologist strongly recommended changes that there’s little chance he will implement. In fact, my husband’s first meal after that appointment was a steak hoagie and fries. He has been in therapy for many years for a myriad of issues, and we have also started couples therapy. I love my husband, but I am very sad that he is willing to trade what should be quality years as we age for self-induced disability. Please tell me how to cope with this. Your advice is welcome. — DISAPPOINTED IN FLORIDA
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. You have a right to your feelings. However, until your husband accepts that he has a food addiction that is out of control and is willing to take the necessary steps to modify his gorging and eating habits, nothing you can do will prevent what’s surely going to happen.
Keep reminding him that you love him and want him to be healthy for the reasons you stated. But you also need to take care of yourself by preparing for the outcome if he decides not to make the necessary lifestyle choices to regain his health.
DEAR ABBY: There is something I have been dealing with from the time I was a little kid. I seem to be a magnet for blame for things I haven’t done. I have been accused of stealing, lying, doing this or that and anything else you can imagine. I am usually caught off guard by the accuser and dumbfounded.
If I do something wrong, I am the first to admit it and apologize. However, when the accuser finds they were wrong, they rarely, if ever, apologize. I find that as I’m getting older, I am becoming increasingly angry and resentful toward these people. How should I deal with this? — DUMBFOUNDED IN COLORADO
DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: There is a two-step solution to your problem. When you are wrongly accused, tell the accuser how angry and resentful this has made you feel all these years. Then, if it happens again, feel free to avoid that person until an apology is offered.
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