DEAR ABBY: I am having a baby in five months. My doctor is recommending that anyone who visits the baby in the first three months be up to date on vaccines (Tdap, flu, COVID and RSV, if age 60plus). We have decided to follow our doctor’s recommendations.

Some of my family members are resistant to getting these vaccines and want us to consider other options, like testing and wearing a mask, which is not as safe. Also, it would be hard for younger kids to do – my niece is three. Abby, we vaccinated our young children (three and five) at the time when our niece was born, as part of what my sister requested.

I am already stressed about this situation and do not want to talk it to death with my family, and I have grown resentful because of it. In the past, I have set boundaries with my family, and most of them have not been understood or received well. Can you offer me some guidance? — EXPECTING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR EXPECTING: I am happy to try. When your baby arrives, the responsibility for its welfare will rest mostly on you, the mother. Follow your doctor’s medical advice to protect your child. If family members don’t want to respect your wishes and do what they must to avoid endangering your baby (as you did for them), realize you can’t change their minds, and keep your distance for the first three months.

DEAR ABBY: For nearly five years, my adult daughter was a domestic violence victim. My husband and I have done everything to support her freedom and new path. However, during her journey, she claimed that I had been abusive to her as a child. I do not recall any action I took that could be considered abusive, nor does my husband or her siblings.

I am finding it difficult to rationalize her recollection of events when she didn’t recognize her recent relationship was abusive. Anyhow, I’ve recommended individual and group therapy. However, I have not admitted to any abuse because it didn’t happen. We all feel she’s projecting her anger and resentment from this recent relationship onto me because I was honest from the beginning that I saw red flags. We had candid conversations about the offender prior to the separation. But she keeps defending him and blaming me for having inflicted pain and suffering on her.

Please tell me what you suggest I do to resolve this situation, as it is destroying our family. — DUMBFOUNDED IN DELAWARE

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: Your daughter appears to be a troubled individual. I’m glad that you suggested therapy. The kind I would recommend would be family therapy, in which every member has a chance to air their “truths.” When someone in an abusive relationship attempts to deflect blame from their abuser onto someone else, they may be avoiding reality. A licensed psychotherapist could help put your daughter back on the right track.

DEAR ABBY: At a recent family gathering, my sister-in-law “Paula” asked my husband if she could use our bathroom. We have three in our home – one off the kitchen, one upstairs and one in our upstairs bedroom suite. Despite the fact that she and my husband both know of my incontinence problem, she asked him to use our bathroom “for privacy.”

I had to run upstairs to use my bathroom. It was urgent. To my surprise, there she was using my bathroom. (We don’t even allow our children to use this bathroom.) Because I couldn’t make it to the toilet, I had a wetting accident. While I could have used any of the other bathrooms, I chose to use my own, expecting that it was vacant, knowing the other bathrooms were free for our guests.

I was extremely upset with Paula. I yelled at her, and when she saw what had happened, she was extremely apologetic. Abby, Paula knows I have bladder control issues, yet she ignored it. My husband heard the commotion and hollered at me for yelling at his sister. Did I do wrong here? He has a hard time saying no to family, but jeepers, I needed a toilet! What should I have done? — GOTTA GO IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR GOTTA GO: Incontinence can happen to anyone at any age. It isn’t just little old ladies. Between 24% and 45% of women have reported urinary incontinence, “the problem no one wants to discuss.” According to statistics from the National Institute of Health approximately 13 million individuals were affected by urinary incontinence in 2024.

You were wrong to yell at your sister-in-law, who had been granted permission to use that bathroom, but it’s understandable given your distress and embarrassment. If you haven’t apologized to her, you should. Frankly, the person who deserved yelling at is your husband, who may never understand the “urgency” until he experiences it himself. (Many men do!)

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