DEAR ABBY: We have a mutual friend who’s very dear to us. He’s a kind-hearted and generous disabled vet who’s too proud to ask for help. Unfortunately, due to his ill health and physical limitations, his home is unkempt. He lives among piles of dusty trash, empty cartons, unfinished projects, dirty clothes and even animal messes. It smells very unpleasant, especially in the heat.
The last time I visited, I sat down in what I thought was a “safe” clear spot and came away smelling of cat urine. Despite our repeated offers, he declines our help to clean up. Unfortunately, it’s so bad that people no longer want to visit his home.
He recently volunteered to host a traditional holiday gathering for our group of friends, but if he does, I’m afraid no one will show. (I’m hesitant to eat anything prepared there anyway, and so are others.) We’ve discussed moving the event, but we’re afraid it would hurt his feelings, since he really enjoys hosting. Plus, what would we say?
Renting a small hall was our first thought, but he’s insistent and excited for the company. Your advice on how to approach this delicate situation would be appreciated. — IN A TOUGH SPOT IN MICHIGAN
DEAR TOUGH SPOT: Your friend appears to be a hoarder. He may enjoy hosting and want company, but it isn’t going to happen if people are afraid to go to his home and consume anything because of the filth and the odor. The person closest to him has to explain to him that although you all love him, his party would be better attended if the celebration was held off-site. He needs to understand why others are staying away, and he may need physical and psychological help to improve his situation.
DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago, I connected with “Christi,” a daughter I fathered with a woman I was in a relationship with for a short time decades ago. We split before Christi was born. My ex-girlfriend didn’t tell me about her until after she was born. By that time, she was married to a man Christi knew as her dad. However, she no longer acknowledges him as her father.
Christi and I developed our relationship, and it would be impossible for me to love her more than I do. When I retired five years ago, she asked me to move closer to her and my 11-year-old granddaughter. She said she would appreciate help with things like driving her to school and activities. Since relocating, though, I have been given very little access to either of them. Christi’s family has poisoned my granddaughter against me. Whenever I see them, it’s always in a group of 10 or more, so we haven’t developed any of the closeness I was hoping for.
This situation is making me miserable to the point of affecting my mental health. I get the feeling that if I address this with Christi, I’ll be cast out of her life completely. I don’t think I could handle that. Must I accept the limited role I have been given in their lives or risk our relationship by telling her how I feel? — LET DOWN IN FLORIDA
DEAR LET DOWN: The time has come to revisit those conversations you had with Christi in which she asked you to move closer. Tell her you agreed because you thought it would be an opportunity to spend time with her and get to know your granddaughter. However, the result has been that you feel more like a free chauffeur service than a grandparent. Ask why this has happened.
If the situation is fixable, talk with a licensed psychotherapist about how to accomplish it. However, if there are no changes, return to the community from which you came before you suffer further emotional damage.
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