DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, my oldest child died in a horrific car accident. Our family went into a sort of hibernation for several months, mourning and trying to deal with the sadness of the situation.

Now the kids are back in school, and I’m starting to work again. I’m interacting with a lot of people I haven’t seen since before the accident who maybe don’t know what happened. How do I respond when they ask perfectly reasonable questions, like “What’s new?” or “How was your break?” I want to be honest and let people know I’m not really OK. But I also want to avoid “trauma dumping,” or providing too much information they aren’t ready for.

The full truth is a lot for anyone to hear. If I say something like, “We’ve had some family issues that have been hard,” people tend to assume I’m getting a divorce or have cancer, which changes how they interact with me. If I tell the truth they almost always start crying, which makes me cry, and then the situation is derailed. What can I say that is true, and that also indicates they don’t really want to know more? — SURVIVOR IN TENNESSEE DEAR SURVIVOR: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your first-born child. If someone asks what’s new or how you are, respond, “We’ve been through some trials and tribulations, but we’re moving forward.” If you are questioned further, simply say, “I’d rather not go into detail right now,” and change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I text my older sister often. Last month, I sent her a long message consisting of information and chitchat. To my surprise, it was not answered by her, but by her daughter (who I am not fond of). My message was not meant for her daughter, and although the information it contained was not critical or embarrassing, I am offended that my text was intercepted (and answered) by someone other than the intended recipient.

Am I wrong here? The entire situation has now been blown way out of proportion and we are no longer speaking. Please advise. — PRIVATE BROTHER IN FLORIDA

DEAR BROTHER: I find it odd that your niece would answer her mother’s text unless she was asked to do it. Did your sister take offense because she felt her daughter needed defending? Your next step should be to get your sister on the phone so you can talk this through. Apologize if you “may have overreacted,” but consider what happened to be a warning that when you text, email or call your sister, it won’t necessarily be kept between the two of you. Private communications may have to be faceto- face.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have different approaches to holiday gift-giving. I like to pick up nice things that I find throughout the year, with only a loose idea of who they might go to. Then I sit down in December and sort out who might like what and wrap the things accordingly. He finds this process abhorrent and insists that the only reasonable way to choose gifts is to shop with the specific person in mind, preferably close to the time the gift is given.

The problem is, he does none of the work of actually finding those thoughtfully chosen and tailored gifts for anyone in our family. The job is left to me, and I have neither the time nor the patience to shop the way he wants me to. Do you agree with him that I’m being thoughtless, or is it OK that I buy ahead of time as long as everyone has something fitting? — NOT MERRY IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR NOT MERRY: No, I do not agree with your husband. You are doing the holiday shopping in a way that works for you. If he would prefer it be done differently, let him know that you are willing to step back and let him assume the task. If he actually agrees rather than carp, relax and take him up on it. And if the gifts this year are inappropriate, the fault will rest solely with him.

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