DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, my daughter “Tina” was in an abusive marriage that ended with the overdose death of her husband. My wife, her mother, died recently. As I was going through some old papers and files, I came across a plain white envelope. Inside were a couple of handwritten letters from Tina’s husband, seemingly written to her just prior to his death. I am unsure what I should do with them.

My worry is that if I give them to Tina, it might cause her to relive that terrible time. On the other hand, I feel the decision of what to do with the letters should be hers. She not only survived, but she has thrived and made a wonderful life for herself. — PROUD DAD IN FLORIDA

DEAR DAD: You state that you found the letters in some “old papers” belonging to your wife. How strange that they weren’t sent to your daughter. If they were intended to be passed on to your daughter, why didn’t she receive them? If she did receive them and gave them to her mother, then she already knows what’s in them. I think you should tell Tina what you came across, ask if she knows about them and, if she doesn’t know, offer them to her.

DEAR ABBY: I am freshman in high school, and I live with my stepmother and father. They are great parents to me and my little brother but very homophobic. I love going to church with them, but I have a partner of the same gender. My parents recently found out and have decided as punishment to isolate me from everyone, including putting me in homeschool.

What they don’t understand is that I am confused about myself, and I can’t make sense of my emotions. Can I be both Christian and lesbian? Every time I try to ask one of them for help understanding, they shut down and call me disgusting. What can I do to get them to understand that I need to talk through this? — WHO AM I IN KENTUCKY

DEAR ‘WHO’: Of course a person can be both LGBTQ and Christian, although you may not be welcomed at the denomination to which your parents belong. The Episcopalians, the Presbyterians, the United Methodist Church, the United Church of Christ and the Metropolitan Community Church (an LGBTQ denomination) are among the inclusive. Your parents may be frightened because they think you have “chosen” to be the way you are.

You may find online resources will make you feel better as you seek to understand more about yourself. One of them is The Trevor Project (thetrevorproject. org), which is the leading crisis intervention nonprofit organization for LGBTQ young people. It provides information and support 24/7, all year round.

Another trusted resource I have recommended for many years, not just for you but also for your parents if they would like to learn more about this subject, is called PFLAG. It was started in 1973 by a mother and her gay son and has grown to become the leading resource for educational materials on this subject. Its web address is pflag.org.

DEARABBY: Nine months ago, my friend “Anne” moved in with me after losing her home following her boyfriend’s death. Since then, she’s had trouble finding employment, but when she does work, she spends money on stuff she really doesn’t need. She’s always talking about how she hates to be a burden on me and will move out ASAP. Then she buys random stuff from online shopping sites (like designer purses and clothes), so I doubt she’s saving for her own place yet. She says it’s because she’s been through a lot and she deserves it. She has a “you only live once” mindset. She once encouraged me to buy a brand-new $300 set of luggage “just because I liked it.” She also shows her appreciation to me by buying me things.

We’re both in our mid-50s, each with an only child in their 30s, and I’m trying to get rid of stuff I don’t need so my daughter won’t have to deal with it when I’m gone. I know we’re both adults and that I don’t have the right to tell Anne what to do with her money and life. I just would rather she take the money she’s spending on frivolous stuff for me and put it toward getting her own place.

Anne’s sensitive and takes things personally. How do I break it to her gently that I’m not a fan of presents, and the best way she can show her gratitude to me is to save her hard-earned money instead of buying me more stuff I don’t need (and really don’t want)? — THANKS, BUT NO THANKS

DEAR T.B.N.T.: What you need to “break gently” to your friend is that you do not want a permanent roommate, and that if she wants to show her gratitude, you would appreciate her starting to seriously save so she has the money to get a place of her own.

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