DEAR ABBY: I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for seven. We’ve had our fair share of problems. Between the two of us, we have four girls. He has two from a previous marriage, I have one from a previous relationship, and we share one together.
His eldest daughter is the problem. The youngest two live with us; the other two are adults who live outside the home. The eldest is very into herself and always has been. She loves to hear herself talk, and it is always about herself. She’s not as bad as she was when she was younger, but it still bothers me. My husband doesn’t seem to mind, but I find it annoying.
She has a son, so I don’t think she should be talking only about herself. My reaction toward her has caused problems between my husband and me. My question is, how do I deal with a 30-year-old who is like this? — HUMBLE LADY IN TEXAS
DEAR LADY: You may consider yourself to be “humble,” but the impression you have left me with is that you have a tendency to be controlling and judgmental. That you feel you have the right to script another adult is presumptuous.
While you may consider your husband’s oldest daughter to be a crashing bore, it doesn’t give you the right to act on your annoyance. You don’t have to love her. You don’t have to see her often. Sometimes, you can arrange to be elsewhere. But when you do see her, be cordial and try to steer the conversation toward the topic of her son and his activities.
DEAR ABBY: I’m new to the LGBTQ+ community and finding it tough. I’m torn between living a happy life or being around my family, who don’t 100% accept me as bisexual/asexual and involved with a transgender female. My new partner and I are happy together, but my family doesn’t approve that I’m finally feeling happy and accepted by someone who values me for me.
My partner and I want to eventually move to another state where we can live a happier life together, if and when the time comes. I want to live free from stress and drama. I battle daily with bad triggers in my personal life with no escape. How can I be happy and have my family support me, even if it doesn’t make them happy? — BI MILLENNIAL IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR BI MILLENNIAL: You have a right to a stress-free life. Because your given family isn’t accepting, you may have to build a chosen family for yourself. If you live in a community with a LGBTQ community center — or one nearby — start by contacting it. If you don’t, go online and find a LGBTQ+ support group to help you through this.
Another source of support for yourself and your partner would be PFLAG, (pflag.org). It also helps bridge the gap in families struggling to communicate and understand gay, bi and transgender family members. With education comes understanding. If, however, this isn’t possible, the healthiest thing for you to do would be to move to a place where you can feel accepted for who you are.
DEAR ABBY: When my husband, “Wayne,” and I were dating 15 years ago, he would occasionally get angry and stalk off or bust a bag of chips, but after I gave him time alone, he’d be back like nothing happened. He always said that episodes such as this were something he was “working on.”
After we had children, the incidents continued occasionally. I thought it was because he worked hard, so as a stay-at-home-mom, I just gulped, gave him his space, and he would eventually get back to normal.
I continued walking on eggshells and tried diligently to not make him angry again. Embarrassingly, my son’s preschool teacher asked one time if everything was OK because my son mentioned that his daddy yelled at his mommy a lot.
Wayne lost his job six months ago and has chosen not to work since then. He doesn’t want to work for “the man” anymore, and his angry outbursts have increased. He has destroyed multiple items in our home (the trash can, our cooktop and a colander) in his anger.
Our kids are older now and witness these events, and I can no longer continue to live in this environment. He’s setting a terrible example and I hate hiding out in the bedroom. I recently got a job to help with family finances, but I’m not sure I can focus with all this going on at home. I’ve suggested marriage counseling multiple times, but he ignores me. What do you suggest I do? — CAN’T TAKE IT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CAN’T TAKE IT: I am so glad you have a job. Now it’s time to start saving as much money from your wages as you can so you and your children can escape. (Keep it in a safe place.) Normally, I might chalk up your husband’s inability to control his outbursts to job stress. However, your husband’s behavior seems to be escalating.
The toll-free phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233. It is available 24/7. I urge you to call and let someone there help you form a safe escape plan because you may need one.
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